Nice-to-Death

What is the best way to nice-to-death someone who regularly interacts with you, but doesn't know you very well, after they are mean to you (and you are really pissed because it was your birthday--whether they knew it or not is besides the point) ?

"The Stupid Factory...Where Boys Are Made"

I found that quote on Wikipedia in reference to David and Goliath Tees.

Click HERE to play the Throw Rocks at Boys Game!


And then (especially Sister #1), watch this and think about what would happen if we told our respective spouses that we decided to channel our inner "single ladies" on our next sister afternoon...and laundry in my living room and exploded soda cans in your car be damned!

Taxed to Death

At what point do we get to toss a boatload of tea--or the modern equivalent--into the lake? The county taxes that were recently raised have me paying between 9.25% and 12.25% on the goods I purchase.

Elected officials, I hope you have a back-up employment plan.

Ready to Roll

Confidential to Sister #1:

I just sweated my rear end off on the treadmill for two miles. I'm feeling strong and wild and my hands are rolled into tight, neat fists. Bring on the noses...

Love ya!

A Plan!

Ready for some popcorn and an extra bottle of white wine?

I can't wait for all of us to be together again...only two weeks to go!

I AM a Brain Ninja

I pulled a brain ninja on my unsuspecting honey. It pretty much worked out the way it does in the previous video clip. Not nice, strangely necessary, and oddly comforting. All's well that ends well.

"Are you really going to send me out into the cat infested darkness?"

My reply: "Yes."

bam, bitch went down

We all have people on our hit list.

I'm sorry to spill that little secret, but there are some people who we would love to knock out if the chance ever presented itself.
There are two main people on my hit list. Two people who have specifically screwed me over in way or another, either directly or indirectly. One individual has been on the list going on two years. Two. I don't hold grudges very long, so two years is kind of a big deal to me. The other one has been on for a considerably short time in comparison, approximately nine months.
Since I'm spilling secrets, I may as well admit that I've plotted against these people. Oh, have I plotted. I've planned to target their home, their car, those close to them, ruin their supposed career (or lack thereof), sabotage their relationships with others... You name it, I've probably come close to thinking something along those lines.
Now I'm not saying that any of these things are "nice". I mean, they were nice when I was planning them, because, well, I was pissed, and even now they have their moments where I get that far-off look in my eye and the adrenaline boosts a little.
I'm plotting something currently -this is a fact. It's nothing huge. Nothing major. I'd even call it small if it were to be put next to some of my other ideas. But the thing I can't quite understand is why I'm picking the hit list member to act on that I am. It's the newer of the two. The one who didn't even really screw me over, but that they definitely screwed over someone close to me. Maybe it's the maternal mentality taking over. The thought that You can mess with me, but once you bring the loved ones into it... profanity, profanity, et cetera, et cetera, and another profanity for good measure. It's one of those things where you're forced to look after those close to you. You don't necessarily have a responsibility to, you may not even want to, but that stupid little drive inside of you makes you get up and plot revenge for that person (and yourself too, admittedly.)
I'm going to enjoy my little joke. I won't lie. It sounds horrible admitting to it, but it's not just for me, and in my crazy little mind, that gives me a little incentive.

Here's an idea!

I'm Not Afraid Of Karma

That's Why I'm Gonna Post This

  I read this a couple months ago on my friend’s blog, and I found the memory of these words coming back to me again today:

"Terror mastermind Osama bin Laden has a weakness for former pop diva Whitney Houston. So much so, he wanted to kill her husband and marry her. This is something a lot of us dream about. Not with Whitney Houston per se, but with other people, and not necessarily killing their husbands or boyfriends, but more like humiliating them in a battle of wits after which the object of desire will surely leave them. Anyway, there you have it. More breaking news from OH,SNAP."
You can catch the original post here and you can visit the rest of OH, SNAP for your daily news on randomness that has nothing to do with anything. (Seriously, check it out).


  Anyway, my point is that it is not unnatural to want to push a certain friend’s girlfriend off a cliff. (We all know when we don’t need to name names on this blog). It’s not even about the fact that they’re dating, you know? It’s about the fact that she’s just so dumb. If she could hold a coherent conversation on a topic other than bubble gum and the color pink, I might not want to push her off a cliff. Sadly…not the case though. (Ooh, and watch me come full circle here: did I mention she's a "blonde"? One of those blondes? From a bottle, sure, but doesn't that just make it worse)?

  Anyway, I have no problem with many of my guy friends’ girlfriends, fiancées, wives, et cetera. In fact, I would daresay I am even friends with some of them. Thankfully, they don’t annoy me!

  And yes, I know, I know…this entry has served no other purpose than to justify my own mean feelings to myself, but I don’t care. It’s been on my mind, and now it’s off my chest. I’m just going to keep crossing my fingers that we don’t have to cross each other’s paths anytime soon. (And when I say soon, I mean ever again in this lifetime).

Private Message for You Know Who--I Hope You're Reading This

Let's get one thing clear. It is good, appropriate, and indeed, WISE to fear the wrath of the Sisterhood. When you incur the wrath of one, you incur the wrath of all. That goes for all whores, sluts, and heartbreakers--women and men alike. And boys.

It is never smart to infuriate a Sister. We are genetically encoded to bring down anyone who dares to cross us. We get that from our father. It's all about The Force. (And believe me, daddy knows a few things about The Force. Heaven knows he needed it raising us four hellions.) We can plot revenge like nobody else...and take years to do it to ensure that it's perfect. The Sisters are a gentle, loving, peaceful group. But we do not--I mean we DO NOT take crap from anyone. That includes you.

Use caution when contemplating if you should be dishonest with us. The thing about a lie--any lie, big or small--is that it automatically takes precedence over anything good you ever said or did. And honey, dishonesty is a lie. Dishonesty means you're a coward. Why? Because when you're dishonest (lying), all you're doing is putting the person you're lying to in a position of doing your dirty work for you. You want the other person to verbalize the truth that you're too scared to share. When you use those crappy phrases like, "I don't know" or "I don't remember", it's just like screaming, "I'M A BIG BABY AND DON'T HAVE THE NERVE TO ACCEPT THE CONSEQUENCES OF MY STUPID ACTIONS!"

You may not know it, but Karma will come around for you. Maybe days, maybe years from now, Karma will spin around and ensure that the same awfulness you spread once will be re-visited upon you tenfold. And that's not a Crazy Sister Curse. That is a point of fact and one you should take to heart.

There really isn't any need to be afraid. The Sisters are capable of great forgiveness. We can forgive and be kind and never mention the issue ever again, smile sweetly when we see you, and be genuine in asking how you have been. But we do not forget. Ever.

And neither does "Frank".

Urges.

So I don't mean to ruin Margie's kick-butt picture of her awesome new fireplace, but, you know, sometimes you just need to share a horrible [and yet funny] story with your sisters.

Monday morning. Approximately 7:34am. I’m sitting in the school parking lot, listening to my CD, minding my own business, almost looking forward for the day to start. [Minor exaggeration there, but you get the picture, I’m sure.] I had had no previous anger spells that morning, but, boy! I was about to have one!
I saw the car pull in the next row of parking spots and swing a perfect left into the spot one up and over from my own. Maybe it was that stupid, perfect turn set me off, or maybe it was some deep-rooted reason that I wouldn’t figure out until two periods later. No matter the reason, I was overcome with the strong desire to KEY this person’s car.
Now, let me take this moment to clarify that this person had technically caused no foul against me, that there was no logical reason for my urge. In my mind, however, sisters, there would have been nothing sweeter than running my key down the length of that shiny car, permanently leaving my mark. It would have been a beautiful thing, I swear to you…

Okay, so I guess that was a little more twisted than funny, but looking back on it myself, it’s funny. [And for the record, I did NOT key anyone’s car. It would have been one of the greatest moments of my life, but I didn’t deface anyone’s property. I guess that Martha’s karma deal got the better of me.]
Anyway, my point in all this randomness: Don’t you ever get those urges? When you want something, and you would give nearly anything to have it? The urges comes up out of nowhere and BAM! You want to key that person’s car. Or something like that…

Super Saturday

Do you ever have days where you wake up with a ton of energy, bounce out of bed, sing in the shower, feel totally prepared to take on the day, and then just...don't? I'm having a day like that. Right now, I'm kind of cranky and irritable. And everything is getting on my nerves. I think I need to take up an aggressive sport. Maybe kick-boxing. Or regular boxing. Or just kicking the asses of people who are pissing me off. Maybe that last one is the best.

What Goes Around Comes Around

Karma at its finest...

Not too long ago, I published a few posts on forgiveness and Karma. It was therapeutic for me. I've spent many hours in recent weeks doing a lot of soul-searching, mental housekeeping, and emptying (well, attempting to empty) my heart of feelings of ill-will that I've been harboring. And I prayed. A lot.

I think many people believe that prayers have to be formal for God to hear them, but I know that's not true. I've realized that even on days when I'm thinking, "Martha, you just have to suck it up if you're going to get past this," God is really hearing the underlying prayer, which is more along the lines of, "I need help finding my inner strength if I'm going to get through this." I have believed for a long time that God never refuses to answer a prayer. He answers prayers in His own way, in His own time. And when people feel like God isn't answering their prayers, it's not that He's not answering--it's that they aren't seeing the answer, because it's not the answer they wanted. I don't think God ever really tells us, "No." I do think that He often answers with, "Not yet."

All that being said...er, well, written...I do have a point. I just found out that the person I was really angry with (even hated, to a degree), has, in an eerie coincidence, recently received some Karmic payback. I was afraid at first that I would feel glad or revel in that person's misery. God knows I spent enough time plotting ways to get even with that person, but I never followed through on any of it. The moment I really handed it over to God, I started to feel better. And I think that's why I felt no joy or delight in this person's current suffering. I admit that my first thought was, "Ha!", but that quickly changed and I just thought, "Wow, that kind of sucks." And then I continued my day. Some negativity did creep up on me a few hours after I got the information, but as soon as I acknowledged it, it went away.

God, Karma, Fate...call it what you will. It exists. It's real.

And Margie, I'd like to think that part of what helped is that I now use the Karma raspberry lip gloss. The "Bite-My-Butt-Mustard" that Karma so enjoys has now been sprinkled on someone else's rump.

Web of Lies

I don't play.

As I get older, I tend to shake my head (the way dad does the slow head shake in disgust when he talks about the location of the local Veterans' Cemetery) when people--adults--behave poorly. I shook my head recently when someone dropped a hint in a passive-aggressive manner, and I wondered to myself, Why?

Does she desire to hurt me by poking fun at me? Or is she trying to start a dialogue with me?

My response, though silent, is this: I respectfully decline to participate.

Wanted: Squeaky Clean Soul

To my fellow Crazy Sisters (and anyone else reading this who might have some insight):

This is not a joke. I swear it's not. It's horribly ironic, considering my recent post on apologies and Karma, but I have a question. Do you think once a person pays their Karmic debt, it's over and done with? Or is it like too many laxatives, and it keeps paying you back, running and running, and making you miserable, even after you have been sufficiently punished? I just realized that I did something six years ago--unknowingly, I swear; no malice, no forethought, nothing--and Karma/Fate has paid me back tenfold. Do you think it's over now? Does it count toward good Karma if I have finally become enlightened and realized that it's bad Karma biting me in the butt? Will bad Karma now leave me alone, because I have repented? What if it's all those mirrors I broke as a kid? What if it's not Karma and it's just all bad luck? No, I can't say that, or bad Karma might come back after me! I need to know I'm going into surgery next month with a clean Karmic slate. Should I go to confession? Or is it enough that I've confessed my wrong-doing and accepted my cosmic punishment? And does it count that I am really, really sorry? Not sorry because I'm being punished, but sorry because of my unwitting role in something bad that happened six years ago. Unwittingly or not, it still happened. Yikes! Help!

Advice for the ridiculous?

Sisters, when you’ve done something that you shouldn’t have done (nothing illegal or even I suppose really, really bad, but something like you maybe didn’t give someone all the attention that they deserved), how do you fix it?

All I can say is that I’ve made my attempt tonight, and now I’m waiting….

I guess that’s all I can do, right?

My work in progress evil plan (liable to change)

To begin, I must first seduce a wealthy heir. Doing this will cause the world to choke on their food, bewildered by my arrival at their family beach house. They will then all ask in amazement: Who is this unholy menace? Where did she come from? And why does she look so good in a business suit?

Next, I must obliterate that opera house in Sydney that my boyfriend never took me to. This will be done from my corporate tower of doom, a mysterious place of unrivaled dark glory. Upon seeing this, the world will weep uncontrollably, as countless hordes of robot, ninja, warrior cronies hasten to do my every bidding.

Finally, I must tauntingly wave my needlessly big weather machine, bringing about something really, REALLY bad. My name shall become synonymous with all that is wrong with the world, and no man will ever again dare roll his eyes at me. *evil laugh* Everyone will bow before my dashing good looks, and the world will have no choice but to elect me dictator for life and name me Evil Woman of the Year forever.