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ACTION!

Just a random thought...if actions speak louder than words, what have your actions said today?

I see the actions of people all day long, every single day. Promises and words mean nothing if not backed up by action. Words are just words. It's what we DO that proves if our word is worth anything.

A big part of my job involves communicating and interpreting what other people say (or rather, what they aren't saying). I have to guess what's going on in their heads, try to understand what it is exactly that they're trying to tell me, dig deeper to get past the surface of what they're saying. In my daily life with friends and co-workers, I expect them to tell me if something is wrong. But for whatever reason, some people have a hard time explaining if something is bothering them, so they resort to things like silent treatment, tantrums, sarcasm, etc.

I don't have a hard time explaining if something is bothering me, but it may take while for me to get around to saying it, because I have a thing about wanting to make sure I'm saying it right.

By nature, I am a sarcastic person. I suppose the one saving grace in that area is that I'll make a sarcastic comment and then clarify what I meant by it. Sarcasm is not a characteristic that I like in myself, so I make a point of catching it and correcting it. Hence, clarifying my sarcasm.

But silent treatment? I've been accused of giving the silent treatment. I don't mean to. What's really going on is that I'm angry or upset and I don't trust myself to say something productive, so I opt not to say anything at all. My silence isn't intended to be a punishment or to make people guess what's wrong with me. I'm the type of person who prefers to be clear and articulate, so it may take me a while to formulate what it is that I want to say...and I tend to be quieter than usual while I'm thinking about it. If someone asks what's wrong, I'm being honest when I say, "Nothing," because truly, nothing is wrong. I'm just thinking. And at that moment, I have nothing to say.

That's backfired on me many times. People will push and push, asking me what's wrong until I feel myself getting mad at the incessant questioning and then there IS something wrong. :)

Unfortunately, I've also been accused of "ambushing", because by the time I've decided what I feel like I need to say, my words are clear and concise and to the point. I've learned that that it freaks people out, because they're unprepared. I've been accused of stewing too long...except I'm not! I'm not playing stuff over and over in my head and getting angrier about it. I'm just thinking about how to explain what upset me or bothered me.

One of the benefits about not going off about something right away is that after careful consideration, more often than not, I determine that there's nothing worth saying about it anyway, which avoids a lot of hurt feelings in the long run.

But today was one of those days--one of those days where I needed to carefully weigh the words I wanted to use to express myself. I was super frustrated this morning with the hubs. Rather than be a Negative Nelly or have a useless fit, I just kept quiet and contemplated what to say, so that later, I could easily explain what had upset me. I was quiet a good portion of the day, but back to the original thing I'm writing about...my actions spoke far louder than anything I could have said or anything I will say.

Fact: I was quite upset this morning that the hubs slept until almost 10am. This is a minor thing and I understand that. However, I am awake and on the go before him every single day and more often than not, I fall asleep after him. He went out last night with his friends, which is fine. I was awake until he got home. I did fall asleep before he came to bed, so yes, I was asleep before him. I woke up at 6:45am--which is actually pretty late for me. I worked on a few things for school, then the kiddo got up around 7:30am. She woke up her dad, but he was a little grumpy. He stayed awake for about 15 minutes, then said, "I'm just going to lay back down for a few minutes since I'm still tired." I raised my eyebrows at him, but he was already crawling back into bed.

I headed downstairs with my kiddo, made breakfast, started a load of laundry, folded 2 loads of laundry the hubs left sitting on the couch, emptied the dishwasher and re-loaded it, switched the washer load to the dryer, started another load, handled a crisis call for work, cleaned up from breakfast and then went through the week's worth of mail on the kitchen table. My actions clearly said that I recognized that there were things that needed to be done, and I was getting down to the business of doing them. It's not a "ha-ha-look-what-I-got-done" action. It's genuinely, "Well, this stuff needs to get done, so I'm going to do it." I will admit that I was louder than necessary in completing the tasks--that action said, "Hey, I'm awake down here and doing stuff you said you were going to do!" Not that it mattered. He slept through the noise, so I just felt stupid. When the hubs sauntered downstairs right before 10am and made a passing comment about still being tired as I handed him a plate of his favorite breakfast (chocolate chip pancakes), I immediately felt the burn of resentment in my chest.

He. Is. Tired?

I'm not saying it's fair to hold him to my standards. I know that's not fair and I don't expect him to live the way I do--I don't expect that of anyone. My frustration is that I'm tired, too. However, I cannot think of a single time the entire time we've been married (other than when I've had surgery and was sleeping off anesthesia) that I got more sleep than he did, and most especially not in the past year and a half that he's been out of work. On the exceptionally rare occasions that I even have an opportunity go out with a friend, if I get home at midnight, I'm still expected to get up at my regular time and get the day rolling. I don't know if it's a gender thing, or a mom thing, or a personality thing or a MacStewart thing. It just is what it is.

The day passed by pretty fast--there was a lot to do and before I knew it, it was dinner time. What were my actions then? Hubs had mentioned last weekend that he'd like to have taco salad since it had been a while since I'd last made it. So, I ran out to the store to get a few things, then proceeded to come home and make taco salad for him. I also put together a blueberry coffee-cake thingy that I thought he would like. My actions, at least I think, say that I know what he likes and I want him to be happy, so I'm going to do it. It doesn't matter if I'm tired. I know what my priorities are and that's what I'll focus on.

And right now, my priority is finishing up the next load of laundry and well, that's what I'm going to focus on for the next hour. So off I go!