A Memo to My Son

One of the pitfalls of being a therapist is having overwhelming empathy, even in cases when it is unwarranted. My darling spouse asked me some time ago if I have any idea of what it's like to be married to me. I just laughed. Try being me. Seriously. If I had a son and he told me that he was in love and was going to marry a girl who reminds him of me, I'd have to give him some advice. Here goes...

I'd want him to know that having a kooky, OCD wife is not easy. And it's not easy for her to feel so kooky and OCD. It's hard to keep promises, but she'll notice when you do. She'll notice more when you don't and she may not praise you when you do. She expects you to keep promises, big and small. If you won't follow through on the little things, she won't trust you to follow through on the big things. She will do stupid, mean things to get your attention and be frustrated that you don't get where she's coming from. She wants you to be happy and will go out of her way for you to be able to do the things that make you happy. And then, she'll use it against you when she feels like she's being neglected, but all she really wants is for you to have the same consideration for her.

She will, at times, dig in her heels and absolutely refuse to meet you halfway. Meet her where she's at--and expect her to snap at you when you do. See, maybe she's not really always digging in her heels. Maybe she feels stuck. Maybe she feels trapped and she's hurting--much like an animal with its leg caught in iron jaws. Only, she's likely missed the fact that her leg isn't caught, it's just the hem of her pants that's caught, but she still can't figure out how to break away. She needs you to help her get out of that.

She's the strong one, but sometimes, you need to be stronger than she is. But don't play on her vulnerabilities. She naturally feels guilty about everything. Take some of that burden from her. Share the load of the relationship. Listen and talk. Understand that she's unreasonable sometimes--she knows she is. And she knows that you know she is. Be her companion when she starts the journey toward being more reasonable. It will be a long journey. And she'll be mad at you. A lot. Love her anyway.

Listen to her. Listen to her perspective on things. You don't necessarily have to agree, but you should do your best to understand.

Respond to her.

Respect her.

Be honest with her, even when it's hard or potentially hurtful. Especially if it's hard or potentially hurtful. It's better to hear it from you, because afterward, she knows that it's safe for her to be angry with you. After your honesty, she might be crushed. Help her pick up the pieces. If it's about her weight, her hair, her makeup, her attitude, her cooking, something dumb that she's doing--tell her! Tell her kindly. Offer to help her. Be prepared for her to be pissed off. Let her be pissed off, and you just get over it. If she needs time to correct something, help her get the time to correct it.

Don't just make a blanket statement criticizing and then not help her rectify it. If you think she's not spending enough time with you, look at your schedules and find compromises. Don't expect her to just give in without giving her something in return.

If you think she's coming across as a nagging mother, first consider whether you're behaving like a child. If you're really not, think about what her reasons are for her behaviors.

Be the man that you promised her you would be. Fight harder than her to make things better. If you've hurt her, expect her to be suspicious of you and your intentions for a long time. She can forgive you and hate you at the same time.

It's not a contest, but dare yourself to be the best husband and father you can be. Encourage her to be the best wife and mother she can be. Support her in her efforts. She is more insecure than you can even begin to understand.

Treat her the way you would want your daughter treated. Love her when she's unlovable. Give her the praise, respect and appreciation that you think you deserve from her. Don't gossip about your marriage. Handle her with care.

And when she feels like things are crashing down around her, be her refuge and safe harbor. She may not appreciate it in the moment, but she'll remember it later. And she won't forget it--and then she'll want to turn to you and trust you with her heart.

Remember that God gave you an opportunity to be the strength your woman needs. That woman is strong, more than strong enough to carry the weight of the world, but there are few things more beautiful than a woman who trusts her man enough to carry her sometimes.