Emphasis on the bittersweet
Two of my girlfriends are going through tough heartbreaks at the moment, and I feel helpless to help them. Everyone goes through heartbreak differently, and every situation is different, so you can never truly relate. Unfortunately, this also the first heartbreak for each of them, which makes it all the worse. And even the fact that I know how terrible heartache feels –how it’s amazing that your heart really hurts –I can’t seem to find the words to help them.
It is especially difficult with one of them because I happen to really like her boyfriend (ex-boyfriend?). He’s a genuinely decent guy, which even she can admit despite this tough phase of their relationship, and he and I have become more than decent friends over the course of the past year. While she is my friend first and foremost, I am worried about having to take sides, or place loyalties. I know that neither of them would ever make me do either of those things, but I still worry, and it makes it all that much more difficult to find the right things to say. As of last night (or early this morning as it were), they have at least called a truce and agreed to try to be civil to one another. That’s a relief because they’ve spent the past two weeks doing and saying anything they could think of to hurt the other more, to cut deeper than the other, to draw more blood.
Love is a grisly war.
And there's no telling how long the truce will hold.
With the other, it is somewhat easier in that I never had much affection for her boyfriend, and steadily lost respect for him as he continued to string her along and play indecent games with her emotions. But still, I have no words to comfort her in the kind of brutal awakening she is experiencing.
I also can’t bring myself to lie. So when she says that she feels “good” about the message she left on his voicemail, and that she really is “okay” with the situation, that she’s “done” with it all, I can’t help but frown a little. And when she asks why I’m frowning, I can’t lie. –It feels that way now. We all have those glorious moments early on when we believe that we have conquered the heartbreak! But, inevitably, we will hit a stumbling block a few days later. We’ll become sad or lonely or reminiscent, and the hurt will feel as fresh as it did the first time. There’s no stopping that.
Should I smile instead of frowning? Should I say, “That’s great! I’m glad you’ve really kicked this situation!” even though I know it's not true? I just can’t… Because when they stumble in a few days, I want them to know, not that I predicted it, but that I understand. And I’ll be there that day, too, to listen to what the second fall was like. And to tell them it will get better again. That much is true: it will get better again. I'm just not sure when.
I am relatively free of heartache these days –I am lucky. But that doesn’t mean I don’t remember heartaches past. I still find myself hanging on to little pieces of them, though it’s been years and I’ve mostly let go. –Do we ever completely let go? I don’t even have that answer for them. The truth is, I don’t know yet.
Words of wisdom, older Sisters? I think our younger Sister might benefit from it, too.
Sunday, November 12, 2006
Salty, sugary, bittersweet?
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4 comments:
I've read this post three times and I still don't seem able to get my thoughts completely together. I think that as the "Crazy Sisters" we are encoded to remember all things, both good and bad. It's a blessing in some ways, because we always remember important things (and sometimes not-so-important things). In other ways, it's a curse, because we remember all those old hurts. And by remembering all those old hurts, it's sort of like keeping it as a reminder not to do [insert whatever here] again. For example, if someone lies to me, I always remember that lie. No matter how many truths came before or will come after, I remember that lie. It serves a purpose in that I bear in mind that if that person lied to me once, s/he has the ability to do it again. It's kind of a protective measure, I guess.
From personal experience, I can say that hurt fades, but it doesn't go away completely. Why? Because hurt hurts. It just does. I think it's possible to reach a point where there are more good days than bad, and then good weeks, and good months...and then, just when I think it's completely gone, something triggers a memory and that old despair washes over me. As time goes by, the despair doesn't last as long and it may not hurt quite as much as it did last month or last year, but the depth of it is always the same. In a single moment, I'm transported back to that moment.
And I remember that the feelings I have by knowing and remembering can't be any worse than the opposite of that--being kept in the dark.
Tell your friends that things suck right now. Embrace the suckiness and know that eventually, it won't suck quite as bad. And today they might be feeling pretty good. Heck, they might feel good for weeks or months and you'll be there for them. But when the time comes to crash, you'll be there for them then, too.
Leave me and my semi-heartache alone.
Anonymous my ass! That was #4!
No.
Don't smile instead of frown when you know it's wrong.
Martha's right. I don't believe we ever completely let go, either. How can we? What we live through is bound to shape us; the real challenge is to not let it warp us.
My love to your dear ones, Catherine. And my love to all of you, Sisters.
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