Growing up, we were always taught to mind our Ps and Qs, dot our Is and cross our Ts, mind our manners, say 'please' and 'thank you', apologize for the wrongs we committed, and grant forgiveness when people apologize. They're all good lessons, but as I get older, I find I'm really taking exception to the last one.
I'm sick of people telling me they're sorry. Don't get me wrong, there are certainly times when an apology is needed--like when someone steps on my foot, or bumps me with a shopping cart, or hurts my feelings. It's nice to hear "I'm sorry." But I'm finding that more and more apologies are lacking true sincerity. People keep apologizing, but what are they apologizing for? Is that crabby lady at the store really sorry that I'm going to have a Texas-sized bruise where she hit me with her cart? Or is she just sorry that she didn't hit me hard enough to run me over and get me out of her way? Most times, I get the feeling that people aren't apologizing for their role in the situation at hand. And isn't that the purpose of an apology? To acknowledge one's own wrong-doing and request forgiveness?
It is so hard to forgive someone who has done something hurtful when he/she really believes that there's nothing wrong with his/her behavior or actions--even when the rest of the population would believe otherwise. And that is the worst apology of all. That snide, "I'm sorry you feel that way," BS apology. That irritates the heck out of me. And it irritates me because when someone offers an apology, I feel obligated to give forgiveness--but when the apology is fake, and I feel like I can't yet forgive, I feel like a moron for not being able to get past it.
So what is my purpose in all of this? I'm not really sure. I think I just needed to vent. All I know is that not too long ago, someone did something to me that I believe was premeditated, designed to hurt me, intentionally cruel, cold, calculated, and flat out wrong. I got the snide apology after the you-know-what hit the fan. It was the worst, phoniest apology I have ever encountered. I'm still struggling with my feelings, because I am so angry with this person. It's exhausting to be so mad. Deep down, I want to give forgiveness and be free of this burden, but I'm allowing myself to remain stuck on the fact that this person is not sorry at all and is actually gloating over the resulting damage. I am still furious.
I have taken time to plot various ways to get even with this person--but I haven't followed through on any of the ideas, because I know in my heart that it's not right. I do believe in the whole concept of karma and 'what goes around comes around', and I know that God doesn't need me interfering in His plans--whatever those plans may be.
So, I guess that has to be enough for now. I need to suck it up and let it go. That person is not sorry, and that is just the way it is. That person can probably look forward to spending the next lifetime as a dung beetle or something equally gross. HA! I'm feeling better already.
Wednesday, March 29, 2006
Apologies and Forgiveness
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3 comments:
I know a little bit how you feel. I'm getting a big fat F in forgiveness on my cosmic report card. It started three years ago with the one who used the word "bully." I still to this day don't believe he's sorry he called a little girl that word--he's just surprised that he got a cold stiff shoulder after he did it. Fake (in my opinion), indirect apology over a year after the fact is hard to accept.
Then there was the wedding fiasco last year--but no one is sorry for that, not even the one who started it. Her excuse was "I din't think this would happen." And I still think the Liar from that story will get away with his big fat lies concerning it for the rest of his days. What form would Karma return him as?
Anyway, sorry I can't help with any suggestions. Like I said, I'm getting an F in Forgiveness myself-- or at least I think I am. It is entirely possible I'm getting an A+ because I can recognize the real deal.
Actually, the Liar will be returning as the dung that dung beetles live on.
hahaha...
I love your belief in karma. You're the better person, you know that, right? Don't stoop to that level! When a person is just that intentionally cruel, and you hold your head high, THEY look bad! People can see the truth.
And to answer your question about the crabby woman at the store? I think the sincerity of her apology depends on the store! Seems like I'm always getting knocked around purposefully at Wal-Mart. Weird, huh? Like, people SHOVE at Wal-Mart. And in the grocery store, the threshold for patience while weilding a cart seems to be very low, doesn't it!?
Blah.
Anyway, maybe you don't need to forgive. Maybe it would be ok to accept instead, you know? Accept that this person did something wrong, and trust that it will come back to bite them.
And hope that you're there to see it.
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