I felt the need not just to comment but really reply to your post, darling Sister, not because I suffer from any kind of identity theft, but because I seem to be constantly misplacing my identity.
It’s easy to try to brush it off by saying that I’m still “developing” an identity, that I haven’t “cemented” it yet, but I know that’s not true; I know I have an identity, I just keep losing it. It pops up every now and again when I’m looking for something else (we all know how that goes), but as soon as it’s found, it seems to vanish again just as quickly.
When I’m in possession of my identity, there are amazing moments of clarity, and they can be found in simple actions, daily activities, and the universe all seems to be spinning in the proper direction. The problem when I lose my identity is not the lack of clarity, not the universe turning backwards, but the very frightening knowledge that I do not even notice, do not even miss Myself. I don’t even know I’ve lost my identity until I stumble across it again! It’s really quite disturbing.
So lately I’ve been trying to anchor myself. I bought a 750-piece puzzle (which must be a metaphor for my lucky star, because I feel like I’ve hung all my hopes on it). I’ve also picked up some books from the library and started a Magnum Opus-type journal. The idea is that if I force myself to spend more time with Myself, then I’ll either a) hang unto my identity for longer, or b) at least notice when it goes missing again.
Which brings me to my final note: where does my identity go? How does it pass the time while we’re separated? I think I’ve finally discovered it’s hiding place, but it is never the same hiding place. My identity just gets stuck in moments, whether frozen on a corner waiting for the walk-signal last week, or memories from years past. It settles in and stays a while instead of leaving with the rest of me when the moment or the memory passes.
Sometimes…I swear I’m going crazy.
Saturday, January 21, 2006
Missing Identity --The Face on the Milk Carton
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3 comments:
Upon reflection, I think you're exactly right about one's Identity becoming stuck in moments. There are so many times when I look back at certain moments and think, "that's the real me, why is that me not here right now?"
It's challenging work to make sure we keep ourselves with us. Good luck with that puzzle!
Hell, I'm 30 and I still feel like I'm developing. But that's one of those things in life that I've become thankful for. I hope I never become so sure of who I am that I can't surprise myself anymore.
:)
Sweetheart, you can lose your identity all you want. Your other crazy sisters will make sure it doesn't go on permanent hiatus. And you know what? I don't always know what my identity is, so I can't always be sure it's missing...but I figure as long as I can look in the mirror and say that I like myself, that's all that really matters.
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