Before February, A Look Back at October

      I know it's not October anymore, but I've barely even begun my story of Poughkeepsie...

*      *      *

      The ridges and valleys are forever in motion. It's not just the breeze, the sighs of Heaven, it's the changing of the seasons making the colors fall like dominoes. The sunlight is so bright, as clear and crisp as the morning air. The steel blue sky hints of pale winter skies to come and yet deepens to a cobalt in the corners as it curves around the earth.

      And we too are in motion: movement over movement winding up the mountain roads. Out the window, camera ready, camera steady, trying to capture on a strip of film the painted scenery all around me.

If I Could Write a Letter to Me

I read a blog earlier today and the writer did a really neat post on what she would tell herself if she could write a letter and go back in time and give to herself at 20. Then I got to thinking about that Brad Paisley song, "Letter to Me" and I felt inspired to follow suit. First the song...you have to go HERE because youtube won't let me embed it into this post. Then think about it. What would you tell yourself? And sister #4, you may have to pick a different age, because, well, you're twenty now.

Here goes...

Dear Martha,

It's hard to believe, but you're 31 right now, and I am you. It's been a hell of a ride so far, kid. Believe me when I say YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU'RE IN FOR. I've got a few things (or twenty) to tell you, so pay attention. Put down whatever damn book you're wanting to read instead and focus. Really, it'll be worth it.

1. When your acting teacher tells you that he thinks you should go on the open auditions for that new soap opera, do it. Find the $236 for airfare to New York and just do it. You'll spend the rest of your life wondering if you don't. I know it's hard to believe that you would voluntarily take an acting class, especially so close to the end of your college career, but you will, and you'll do well. Maybe a little too well.

2. Pre-med really isn't for you. Stop wondering if you should have gone into medicine.

3. Don't waste your time or money applying to a bunch of graduate schools. Go with your gut. It was right and you won't be sorry.

4. Get moving on that novel. I know it's a secret wish and you don't really think you have what it takes, but I'm pretty sure that at the moment of completion, you'll be more satisfied with yourself than you've ever been in your whole life.

5. Stay friends with Tony. If you don't, it'll be one of the biggest regrets of your life and I know how bad you are at dealing with regrets. He's a good friend...and he was the first guy who saw the person you wanted to be. He saw that good in you before you ever even knew it was there.

6. Listen to dad when he tells you to get your FOID and to know how to use a gun. This is not because you're a violent person in any way, shape or form or because you have a secret desire to be a gun-toting hottie. It's because you'll be spending a lot of time home alone during some bad times and there will be more than one incident when you're worried about how fast you can dial 911 when an un-friendly and un-invited someone is right outside your door. Trust me on this.

7. Go to church a little more. Those peaceful moments with God will be more valuable than you can even begin to imagine. And you will find peace, I promise. You'll also find that it's the one place where you don't have to impress anybody. God accepts you as you are and He wants you to accept yourself in the same way.

8. Drink a lot of cranberry juice starting NOW. AZO will be coming out with cranberry tablets. Take those, too. Don't ask, just do it. And don't let the doctor give you any sulfa drugs.

9. Find a good therapist sooner. The first time you think you need help, do it. Don't wait.

10. Don't worry so much about your boobs. They'll get bigger. Way bigger than you want. Enjoy the B cup you're in, because the D cup is way, way overrated. And don't worry so much about your butt, hips, thighs and belly. In a few more years, they'll be stretched and sagging in ways you never thought possible.

11. Tell the truth about what happened.

12. Randy, Dave and Keith will all let you down, but date them anyway. It'll teach you a lot when it comes to matters of the heart.

13. You're going to get to know three very different men who share the same name. Make sure you take the time to think about each of them and what they have to offer (and what you see yourself offering them) before you commit to anything.

14. Stop eating after 8pm. It will develop into your absolute worst habit later if you don't.

15. Be ruthless with the past. You'll exhaust yourself if you keep wondering what you should have done instead.

16. It's not walking away if you're walking toward something else. Stop second-guessing yourself.

17. All the things you always swore you'd never do? Yeah...all done, kiddo. Maybe not always done well, but still done. Take your time doing them, okay?

18. Travel. A lot. You'll be sorry if you don't. And invest in a good digital camera sooner so you can take awesome pictures on your trips.

19. Honey, take better care of your hands, or else by the time you're 30, your hands will look 40. Same goes with your cute little feet. Work a manicure and pedicure into your budget every two months. It'll be so worth it.

20. Don't stop hugging. It's part of who you are, and by stopping, you'll lose touch with the part of yourself that you always liked best.

It may seem cryptic right now, but just trust me, okay? I know trust isn't your strong suit and things will happen that will lead you to being even less trustful than you are now, but you need to trust me on all of this. I haven't steered you wrong yet. I'll be seeing you...

Men are from Mars...

Can anyone explain to me HOW it is that a woman (i.e. ME) can be sick...I mean really sick, complete with 102 temperature, raw nose, hacking cough, and sinuses that are so congested my teeth hurt...and still manage to work and take care of stuff, but a guy gets sick (like with a tummy ache) and lays around moaning all day, demanding constant care?

Where the heck is the equality in that? I think if women are going to demand equal rights (which, for the record, I don't always support because when it's cold and raining, I darn well want a man to run across the parking lot and get the car to pick me up in front of whatever door I'm at), then women should also demand that their men not be babies when they're sick.

I'm crabby. And sick. Can you tell?

A little sister help?

This might sound a little ridiculous, but Sister #1 posted a funny little story about one of her little ones entertaining the car with a story. It involved St. Patrick's day, and his near capture of a leprechaun, but this leprechaun had no clothes.
Do you remember? You know you do!
Now, you will be my new best friend if you can find the story on the blog.
Love you all!

P.S. I'll explain my need for the story at a later date.

Bloody Finger(s)

So, for one of the variations of the story of the Bloody Finger, you can look HERE. My version is a little bit different.

My bloody fingers are due to 10+ hours of painting. It started yesterday. I'd about had it with waiting for *someone* to decide what to do about painting and after a brief conversation where I was all like, "Just pick a color, dude," I got my supplies and got busy. It's the MacStewart work ethic--if you want something done, you have to do it yourself. And you might as well do it yourself, because it'll be, like, a thousand times better than anyone else could do it anyway. We totally rock that way, thanks to dad.

But back to the subject at hand. (Hand! HA! Get it? Bloody finger? Subject at hand? Hey...tap, tap, tap. Is this thing on?) Okay, I guess it wasn't that funny.

The entryway is now a soft blue called Mountain Air. I don't particularly like it, but it's okay. Today, I got busy in the hallway and the kitchen. They're the same color since they run into each other--a pale, creamy yellow called Summer Moon. (Both colors are from Behr.) The kitchen is about two-thirds of the way finished. Well, probably more than that. I can't move the refrigerator by myself, so I need some help to get the wall behind it painted, and then I have to take down my under-the-counter radio/CD player to finish the lower half of the wall. Then I just have to finish up around the patio door. I've got my fingers crossed that I can finish it tomorrow since my agency is off for MLK and I'll have a few hours to work on it.

Of course, finishing it will largely depend on how bloody my fingers are in the morning. Sisters, on a regular basis, I work my hands until they're bloody. No joke. But today was just crazy. Even my calluses gave out in the end and got raw. It hurts to wash them, but I know I have to, because there's paint flecks in the broken skin.

And you know what *someone* said to me?

"I think you might want to get a manicure."

Oh yeah. When my hands heal up and my nails grow back, I am SO getting a manicure.

Giving into sister pressure

I already made a list of my resolutions, but here are some specifics that will be more measurable since we're checking in:

(1) Do my new pilates DVD every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday morning unless I am physically ill. An hour and a half a week will NOT kill me.

(2) Eat fast food no more than two times a month. When classes are in gear, I have a bad habit of going out after class and before work. Not cool.

(3) Journal at least twice a week. Morning. Noon. Night. Whenever. Just do it.

(4) Get out of this quarter life crisis that I'm in. I'm not sure what exactly this entails, but I didn't smile and laugh enough last year, so I need to kick that back into gear.

(5) Be outside more. Take a walk. Run in the morning. Swing on a swing. Play a game of basketball. Get some more good old 0-2 in my lungs.

I Haaaaaate New Years Resolutions

Really, really hate them

    I really think that October is the best month for resolutions, or maybe May, but definitely not January when it's cold and dark and terrible. Also, who decided the "new year" should begin in January anyway? Worst idea ever, whoever that was.

    But I admit that I have started this New Year with the desire to establish some new and better habits. I've actually already started some of them, but as we all know, it takes at least 21 days to establish a new habit, so that leaves me with 17 more days to go before I can consider counting chickens and planning for hatching and wondering what I'm going to do with these imaginary chickens anyway...

    Woops, got a little sidetracked there. Regardless, this is the list as it currently stands. Please see the note after the list though for further clarification.

• Make this apartment feel like home. (This is mostly composed of shorter term goals that include):
          -        Unpack the last of the boxes
          -        Hang art in the living room and kitchen
          -        Find the perfect armchair


• Love my job. (Preferably by getting a new one).


• Go someplace I've never been in the U.S.


• Write every day.


• Blog once a week.


• Write more letters. (I swear it was on my list before Sister #1 posted it)!


• Be a better friend, especially by communicating more through telephone and email.


• Be a better friend to the planet by being energy and waste conscious. I will:
          -        Turn off my computer before leaving work
          -        Use my Trader Joe's bag
          -        Turn off the light in rooms unless I'm in them
          -        Dry my clothes by air when possible instead of using the dryer


• *Expletive, expletive* update my *expletive* iPod.


• Read more books.


• Spend more time outside.

    You'll notice that I didn't put things like "run twice a week" and "do pilates in the morning before work." I also didn't put "keep my apartment clean," or "make dinner three nights a week." It's not because I don't want to make myself do these things this year, it's just that I have a feeling I'm going to struggle with these longer and I don't have a clear short-term timeline for achieving them (like I do for finally putting together my apartment), so I don't want to set myself up for frustration and/or failure by holding myself accountable without a plan.

    I will do these things. Somehow, I know I will. But just in case I don't, I don't think I need to hold myself as accountable to them as I do "Be a better friend." That one, and the others on the above list, are way more important to me than making dinner three times a week.

    And like my Sisters, I hope to check in on my progress in the coming weeks...

Goals for 2009

Inspired by dear Sister #1, I decided to publicly announce my intentions for the upcoming year.

• Give expression to a wide array of emotions.
• Jump back on the weight-loss bandwagon.
• Work toward living my life the way I want to live it, without waiting for someone else to decide whether to join me in chasing down my dreams.
• Make one new friend. A really good friend, who will love me because of my quirks, not in spite of them.
• De-clutter my life and adopt a "less is more" attitude.
• Scrape my self-esteem off the sides of the toilet bowl and salvage what's left of it.

I'll keep ya'll posted as to how it's going...

9 Goals For the New Year

I'm not big on resolutions, but I thought I'd put some of my goals for 2009 into print in the hopes that I will be more accountable for making them happen. I feel like typical "new year resolutions" don't succeed because most people just tell themselves what they want to do--no accountability.

This year I want to:

• prepare and eat more vegetables
• lose those 5 "baby" pounds
• use my green shopping bags at least 90% of the time
  
• be less wasteful of food and paper products
• write more letters
• write the next novel, start to finish
• paint something, anything
• keep my laundry room and linen closet tidy
• check-in and assess my goals every six weeks
  

Some of these will be difficult to measure. How much food did I throw away last year? It felt like too much. Some will be easy. I used my green bags about 75% of the time last year. Planning ahead will help me get to 90%, if not more. And in six weeks, I know you'll ask if I don't update.

How about you? Anything you want to be accountable for in 2009?